


A Greater Need

by captain_trash



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 02:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10675425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_trash/pseuds/captain_trash
Summary: James started to drift off again, his dreams trying to reclaim him, but a small, broken noise forced him back awake. James’ eyes snapped open. He knew that noise. Sleep could wait.





	A Greater Need

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short little piece that I wrote today. I hope you enjoy reading it. 
> 
> Please note the tags. If reading about panic attacks makes you uncomfortable, avoid this story.

James woke up slowly. The room was still dark. It was early morning and he didn’t have to be awake for another four hours. Maybe he needed water, or the bathroom, or some other human need that forced his mind to pull him out of his dreams. James kept his eyes closed and tried to starve off the need for a little bit longer. The bed was warm and comfortable. He didn’t want to leave until he truly had to. 

James started to drift off again, his dreams trying to reclaim him, but a small, broken noise forced him back awake. It sounded like someone quietly crying. James’ eyes snapped open. He knew that noise. Even after months of silent nights he still knew what the sound meant. Sleep could wait until he addressed what was happening and made sure it didn’t escalate. 

“Thomas?” James whispered, slowly turning over to face his husband. “What’s wrong?” Thomas was curled up tightly with his body facing away from James, an unusual position for the cuddly man who had a habit of clinging to James at night. Thomas’ position was a very bad sign. This attack must be higher on the scale. 

“Hey, come here,” James insisted, reaching out to place a hand on Thomas’ shoulder. He pulled gently to get Thomas to turn around. 

“I’m fine,” Thomas choked out. James frowned as worry twisted around his heart. If it was one of those attacks James would have to tread lightly. He wasn’t sure how bad this was yet, but finding out quickly was the best thing to do. 

“Thomas, please?” James asked. “I just want to hold you for a while.” Thomas didn’t move. Didn’t speak. For a moment James was worried he wasn’t even breathing. But finally, Thomas turned around and quickly moved to press his head into James’ chest. It still gave James time to notice the tears running down Thomas’ face, how Thomas’ face was twisted in pain, and how Thomas was biting his lip so hard it might have a mark in the morning. 

James tightly wrapped his arms around Thomas while he tried to decided the best course of action. Thomas’ anxiety attacks could last up to an hour, leaving the man in intense pain and agony until it passed. Human touch helped, but sometimes Thomas needed to talk through the pain. James could also try their music playlist if Thomas needed it. However, the only way to know what to do was to ask and hope Thomas would give him a clue. 

“How bad is it?” James asked softly. He rubbed Thomas’ back while he gave him time to answer.

“Nine,” Thomas whispered, his body starting to shake. James held him tighter. 

“Nine for pain or nine for your mind?” James clarified. 

“Both,” Thomas sobbed. James shushed him gently, kissing Thomas’ head again and again. 

“I’ve got you. I’m here, Thomas. It’s okay. I know it hurts now. I know it hurts so much and you don’t feel good, but it will pass. You will be okay. You are strong. You are worthy,” James said. His voice was firm, but kind. Thomas needed to hear the words. He needed to know James cared, but he also needed to truly understand that they were true. 

“I’m sorry,” Thomas choked out. “I’m so sorry, Jemmy. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I tried to be quiet. I didn’t want to wake you up.” 

“Please don’t be sorry. You can always wake me up. Always. You don’t have to sit and suffer alone, Thomas. I’m here to help you. I love you,” James replied. 

“But you have a meeting in the morning,” Thomas muttered. “And you didn’t go to bed early because of me. Now you’re going to be tired and it will be all my fault because my stupid head won’t shut up.” Thomas hiccuped, trying so hard to hold in his sobs. 

“Thomas, this isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. Your head isn’t stupid. I don’t care about my meeting right now. All I care about is you. I want to help you and make sure you’re okay,” James whispered. “You’re the most important thing to me.” Thomas didn’t reply. He hid his face in James’ chest and softly cried. James ran a hand through Thomas’ hair to comfort him. 

“I’m here, Thomas. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to stay forever. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be upset. It hurts and you need to let it out,” James tried to soothe Thomas by talking him through it. 

“I feel like I’m dying,” Thomas sobbed. James nodded his head like he understood even though he could never truly know Thomas’ pain. Thomas’ anxiety attacks could manifest as physical pain. His medication helped to keep most of them at bay, but the ones that still happened were usually torture. He described it as someone trying to rip his chest open and carving marks into his bones. 

“Make it stop,” Thomas begged. “Just make it stop.” James wished he could take Thomas’ pain away. He wish he could snap his fingers and make everything better, but he couldn’t. All he could do was try to be there for Thomas through it. 

“Shh, shh. It will stop. It will. I promise. You can do this, Thomas. You’ll get through this. Do you want to hold my hand? You can squeeze it as tight as you want,” James offered. Thomas shook his head. James waited for a moment. 

“Do you wan-” 

“Tiger,” Thomas cut him off. James almost sighed in relief. He shifted carefully to grab the large stuffed tiger that they kept by their bed. James had brought it for Thomas a few months ago after his bunny had gotten too worn out. The tiger was soft to the tough and big enough for Thomas to hug if he needed to. James handed it over, smiling to himself as Thomas pressed his face into the toy. The sensory item helped Thomas stay grounded. It gave him something he could squeeze tightly without worrying about causing anyone pain. 

“Do you know how long it’s been?” James asked softly. Thomas shook his head. 

“I didn’t look at the time,” he admitted. “But it’s getting better I think.” James kissed Thomas’ forehead. 

“That’s okay. Let’s take some deep breathes,” James assured him. He pulled Thomas close and wiped off his face. Thomas did seem calmer now. The pain must be fading. James felt guilty. If the pain was already fading then Thomas must have been suffering alone for almost thirty minutes. James should have woken up sooner. He should-No. No. He didn’t have time to feel guilty. That was not the point. The point was that he was here now helping Thomas and he would stay until Thomas fell back asleep. 

“I’m sorry, James,” Thomas whispered. 

“You don’t have to be,” James replied. “I’m not upset or mad at you, Thomas. I just want you to be okay and happy.” 

“I am happy,” Thomas told him, yawning into the tiger. “Just tired.” James pressed his head against Thomas’. 

“I love you,” he muttered. He wanted Thomas to hear the words and hope he knew how true they were. He hoped he could convey his all his feelings in those three little words. 

“I love you too,” Thomas echoed, placing the tiger between them and throwing one arm over James’ waist. “Do you have to get up yet?” 

“God no. I still have time,” James answered. He trailed his fingers over Thomas’ arm slowly, tracing patterns and simply feeling the skin. 

“Thank you,” Thomas said quietly. 

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m happy to help you. I would do anything for you, Thomas. Anything,” James replied with a smile. 

“I know,” Thomas agreed. “But I still want you to know that I’m thankful for you. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad it’s you.” 

“I’m glad it’s me too,” James repeated. Thomas grinned, shutting his eyes and shifting closer. He took a deep breathe and let it out slow. 

“Back to sleep?” James clarified. Thomas nodded his head.

“Okay.” Jame kissed Thomas’ head one last time before settling down to watch him fall asleep. Sometimes the attack could come back. Sometimes Thomas would have trouble falling asleep afterwards. James just wanted to make sure he was okay. 

“Go to sleep, James,” Thomas ordered, his eyes still closed. James laughed before shutting his own eyes. No matter what happened, no matter how bad Thomas’ anxiety got James would try to help. He would never truly be able to fix it. He would never really understand how Thomas felt or what he was going through, but James was going to be there for Thomas when he was needed. Thomas was not his anxiety. He was so much more and James loved every part of him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I plan to write more Jeffmads soon. I'm trying to plan out a bigger, multiple chapter story for them right now. If you want to talk to me more, you can see my blog at @holdthesewords.tumblr.com 
> 
> I based Thomas' panic attack on my own personal attacks.   
> I just had one on Friday and it was horrible. James' response is largely based off how my parents react to my attacks + how I wish everyone would react. Thomas' tiger is based off a large bunny my parents brought me.


End file.
